I HATE AUBURN!!!

     I really do.  So in honor of being stuck watching them play in the SEC Championship Game today, I thought I'd make myself feel better by listing some of the many reasons why I HATE AUBURN! 

     I hate Patrick Fain Dye. I hate his drunken diatribes. I hate his interviews. Why should I care what a drunk, cheating, lying tree farmer who loses his own pants has to say? I hate that he can't even say the word family.  What does fambly even mean?  I hate that he's like the Jim Jones to the auburn cult!

     I hate Tommy Tuberville.  I hate his ears. I hate wingnuts because they remind me of him.  I hate his smug grin.  I hate that he allowed his '04 team to receive championship rings FOR WINNING NOTHING! I hate his thumbs & that stupid saying, 'Fear The Thumb'. What kind of man holds up fingers to taunt heartbroken college kids?  A classless one named Tommy.  That's who.  I hate that he was too incompetent to keep his job at auburn and deprive us more 36-0 type beatdowns. 

     I hate Cam Newton.  I hate hearing him repeat war eagle in his press conferences.  He was only at auburn for 1 year! And he didn't even want to go there.  I hate his statue. It's ugly & doesn't even look like him.  I hate that he ruined football for me in 2010 because he cheated. And got away with it.  I hate him for giving me the most painful loss of my life. I hate his Superman impression.  He looks so stupid when he does that.

     I hate Kristi Malzhahn. Okay, I'm totally lying. I love that crazy bitch. We need more Kristi in our lives. Roll Kristi!

     I hate Trooper Taylor & his towel. I hate his complete disregard for the rules. I hate the way he encouraged a gang mentality in kids.  I hate the way he wears his hat backwards. He is a grown ass man! Turn that hat around like other adults!  I hate the way he never coached a single play at Auburn. He just waved towels. 

     I hate Toomer's Corner & it's crappy lemonade. I hate their trees (RIP).  I hate their tradition of rolling them when they win. And when Bama loses.  Rolling trees should be reserved for children.  I hate the way the fanbase acts like Harvey Updike is the equivalent to a mass murderer. They're trees! Not human beings!  I hate that we even have to remind them of that.  I hate the fact they won't acknowledge that they were already killing the trees for rolling them for so many years.  I hate the wires they've hung so that fans have something to roll.  They look like clothes lines. Even kids don't roll clothes lines. 

     I hate Rod Bramblett & Stan White.  I hate the way Rod sounds like a high school girl every time auburn makes a good play. I hate listening to Stan's incessant whining about officials. Hey Stan, look up home cooking in the dictionary. There's probably a picture of your school beside it.  I hate that listening to them makes me want to kick kittens.

     I hate Phillip Marshall.  I hate the way he has written more auburn propaganda than Joseph Goebbels did for Nazi Germany.  I hate his butter teeth.  Why can't he just purchase some Crest White Strips?  Seriously. His teeth makes me want to vomit.  

     I hate Never To Yield, The auburn Plainsman, WarBlogle, The Bunker, & every other auburn publication that spends more time writing about Bama than their own program.  I hate that you all write about class but never show any.  I hate that you write pieces like this:  Bammers Are In A Class Of Their Own. 

     But I mostly hate auburn because of their fans.  They really are insufferable.  I hate their cult-like mentality.  I hate the way they think that God is not only a football fan, but an auburn fan.  I hate the way they twist history in order to have stupid stats like Alabama has only beaten auburn once when they have had winning seasons, a leap year, a full moon, and a ball boy named Bill.  I hate the way they would rather win the Iron Bowl than win a national championship.  I hate the way they think they're equal to Bama.  2 does not equal 15.  I hate the way they go into hiding when their team sucks & then worry the hell out of the rest of us when they field a good team.  I hate the way they always talk about religion but won't hesitate to curse out anyone who says anything negative about them.  I hate how they lecture Bama fans about how we should be classy and pull for our state today. We all know you have Georgia, Notre Dame, LSU, & Texas shirts hanging in your closets.

     I feel better now.  Now go put on your black & gold.  Today, we are all Missouri Tigers.

Thanks for stopping by, y'all.... Roll Tide! Roll Mizzou!