My Crimson Chaos

Yet again, I found a blog post about suicide that captured things I've always tried to say.  I just didn't have the talent & mental fortitude to do so...  Thanks to  @BrooklynMims for sending this to me!!! "Suicide is not a choice to die, but rather an expression of the deepest human desire to survive"... I had never seen this quote until tonight.  I had never read a perspective from a suicide survivor that is so similar to mine until tonight.  I'm sure if you cared enough to click on this post, you know my story.  But for those who don't, I had someone I love very much put a gun to his head last April.  He had suffered from encephalitis & meningitis & it resulted in an acquired brain injury.  His neurologist was in complete shock when I contacted him about Kev's fate.  As with all suicide survivors, we forever search for answers... We are constantly looking for someone who understands.  This girl 'gets it'... Plea...

I t always rains on the 7th.  I usually hate it when it rains.  My hair's a mess, my feet get wet, & people lose any kind of driving abilities.  But on the 7th, I have come to expect the rain...  It's an old friend stopping by to say hello.  On the 7th of every month, I know the rain will come down.  I let it hit my face & it feels so good.  With each drop, I can't help but laugh.... Kevin was always quite the prankster....

S uicide...  That's always been a word I filed away with atomic bombs, alien invasions, & Syrian beheadings...  Ya know what I mean?  There's just certain horrors in this world that we are sheltered from.  Yeah, we know they're real (okay, the alien invasion part is pushing the envelope), but they are something you READ about.... Not something you EXPERIENCE.  Monday will mark the 1 year anniversary of that silly myth being shattered in my world. Last April 7th, my world changed forever. Life became cut into two parts.  The life before suicide... And the life after, the symbolic Eve taking a bite out of the apple.  Most days, it's hard for me to remember what I did 5 minutes ago yet I can remember the weekend of April 5th-7th, 2013, in such vivid detail. I'm not kidding.  I can tell you everything I ate, what I wore, and how I felt.  After having a wonderful mom/daughter night on Friday, we woke up & did what moms & daughte...

Dear Kevin, As I'm packing for my trip to Nola, I've ended up having a Kev moment tonight. I think trying to figure out what to wear on New Year's Eve triggered it. Remember last year? Just me, you & a cell phone.  Kev, I sure miss your voice. I know what you did has forever changed me.  I am SO SORRY for letting you down.  I should've been there that night. Who would've thought? I DID NOT want Ash with you & ended up falling completely in love with my wittle baby brahther!!! You'd love how I've made everyone so uncomfortable so many times this year reliving one of our crazy memories!  Be glad you missed the Iron Bowl. It was horrible. The day after tomorrow will be so hard for me.  New Year's last year was so full of hope!  You were better! And everyone was happy. Okay.... I should have suspected something when Ash asked for a Chunky & you bought her 20.  But let's be honest. That was so romantic! You'd be proud of your...