Suicide: One Year Ago This Weekend, A Piece of My Heart Died....
Suicide... That's always been a word I filed away with atomic bombs, alien invasions, & Syrian beheadings... Ya know what I mean? There's just certain horrors in this world that we are sheltered from. Yeah, we know they're real (okay, the alien invasion part is pushing the envelope), but they are something you READ about.... Not something you EXPERIENCE. Monday will mark the 1 year anniversary of that silly myth being shattered in my world.
Last April 7th, my world changed forever. Life became cut into two parts. The life before suicide... And the life after, the symbolic Eve taking a bite out of the apple. Most days, it's hard for me to remember what I did 5 minutes ago yet I can remember the weekend of April 5th-7th, 2013, in such vivid detail. I'm not kidding. I can tell you everything I ate, what I wore, and how I felt. After having a wonderful mom/daughter night on Friday, we woke up & did what moms & daughters do. We shopped! I remember exactly where we were as we made our way back to my house on Saturday evening, April 6th. As we topped the hill on Ross Bridge Parkway, I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter & I told mom, "Kevin's still very sick. And I'm very worried". Of course, I'd later learn that not saying that one little sentence sooner would haunt me the rest of my life....
Kevin was *what I thought at the time* my sister's future husband. Introduced by her roommate, they became good friends instantly. And in late summer of 2012, we moved her into her fourth home while attending the University of Alabama. To appreciate this day, you need to know my sister.
And this was the beginning of Kevin & Ash. After that day, he never left her side & spent every waking moment making her happy. He loved her so much. Flowers every week... More presents than you'd care to read about... A keurig because 'she needs to be able to get her caffeine fix with all the studying'.... A pedicure because 'she's had such a hard week in school'. But in reality, Kevin just loved his princess & wanted to make her smile.
Even though Ash is a student at Bama & I am a season ticket holder, we always pick out 1 game to go to together each year.... In 2012, it was the Iron Bowl. Kev & Ash were living like an old married couple at this point. He'd spoil her rotten & she'd fuss because he needed to remember, 'the budget'. I went over on Friday & took them out to Nicks In The Sticks. None of us had ever been & we wanted to see what all the fuss was about. After a 3 hour wait, we all were a little drunk on Nickodemuses and ultimately realized the place sucked! But we made sweet memories that night. The next day, we whipped auburn's ass and spent Sunday lounging in their condo reliving the complete jailraping from the day before. It was one of those weekends that gets you out of bed all week, ya know?
The next week we found out Kev was sick. VERY SICK. Encephalitis & meningitis & nobody could tell us if he'd live. Kev & I got really close during this time & Ash was a trooper!! Balancing nursing school & being his primary care taker. And he was so determined to beat it. See, Kev had 2 loves; Ashley & being a narcotics officer. And he was hell bent on making sure he didn't lose either. And after several months of enduring pain you or I could never imagine, he overcame something that most people never can. He went back to work and he & Ash tried to get their life back.
But our sweet Kevin was still so sick... He was masking symptoms & fears... Only confiding in me. Yeah, I'm an asshole and I have a heavy burden because I should have told someone. But I never dreamed what the future would hold. Remember? Aliens & Syrian rebels & whatnot...
I'm a very heavy sleeper. And on April 6th of last year, my family called me over and over. My mother finally called a very good friend to go to my home & wake me. As I awoke from my slumber, a fear overtook me. Keep in mind, I've lived alone for most of my adult life, I adore horror movies, & seldom get spooked. But as that bell rang....
DING DONG...
DING DONG...
DING DONG...
It absolutely paralyzed me. I was convinced I was about to be raped and murdered just like in all the twisted movies I always love to watch. As I grabbed my dog & ran to my closet (yeah, it seemed like a good idea at the time), my mother called.
"Heather, answer the door".... Still in the fog from my slumber, I couldn't figure out how she knew about my fate of rape and murder.
"Mom, someone's been at my door forever & I think I need to call the police".
"Heather, just go to the door. Something horrible has happened".
You know that feeling you get when you go over a hill too fast? The one where your stomach feels like it's in your throat? Multiply that by a million & that's how I felt as I stood there, my dog in one arm & the phone in the other. I'd have never guessed what she meant by that in a million years.
"No mother! YOU TELL ME!!! Please!!!"
"Heather, Kevin is dead. He shot himself and your sister's been calling you and she needs you. Get to Tuscaloosa".
You know that old school method of making the camera go round and round in horror movies while hearing that doom and gloom music. That was my world when I hung up the phone that night. I called my best friend to help me get myself together enough to make the 40 minute drive to their home & then I just drove. I drove to Tuscaloosa that night. I saw brain matter & blood of the person that had been my first text of the day for so many months. I saw my sister in shock... Forever changed. I drove her to Clanton. I drove back to Hoover to shower & check on Lex dog. I drove back to Tuscaloosa and saw men in those gas mask toxic suits cleaning my sister's room. You can't understand how upsetting that is until you see those alien looking men in there. Not knowing what to do with myself, I drove to Northport to some random lady's house who freeze dries flowers. Kevin had sent her a bouquet on Tuesday. Being Sunday, there was no time to spare so I took the flowers over.
I just drove. I drove hundreds of miles the first day. Looking back, I just couldn't stand to see my sister's face & I couldn't stand being in their condo. So I just drove.
On Monday, on what would've been Kev's 30th birthday, my dad & I went to clean up what Serv-Pro hadn't (which proved to be a lot... 800 bucks and they sucked... But we didn't really have many suicide cleanup references, nor were we in a frame of mind to research). I couldn't believe it. You would be amazed at the amount of blood splatter. Even after a team of men in those toxic alien suits had completely ripped everything out of the room, her flatscreen tv. Gone. Her carpet. Gone. You'd find droplets everywhere. And while we cleaned, mom took Ash to therapy. And before we could kiltz the spot where our sweet Kev's head laid for the last time, I'll be damned if she didn't come walking thru the door. I'll never forget it. Ash just stood there, staring at the stain. It looked more like a stain from a car who leaks oil at this point. All black and shaped liked a Jackson Pollack painting. I still wonder what went through her mind that day. My guess is my heart would shatter all over again if I actually knew.
Ashley went thru a kind of hell we cannot imagine after Kevin's suicide. I went through a depression that made me feel like I was smothering in sorrow. It's been a year. And things have gotten easier. But our lives are forever changed. Even little things, like walking into the living room at Ash's this past Sunday and seeing her on the floor being held just like Kev held her that Sunday on Iron Bowl weekend made me want to vomit. Every picture I have hanging of him in my home has fallen and shattered. Don't get me wrong.... I'm not alluding to any ghost theories but still!!! That's pretty unsettling!!! Suicide was once something Kev & I talked about. Like the day Mindy McCready killed herself. I remember us discussing how f'ed up that was. Suicide just didn't happen to people like me.
It happened.
We'll never know if Kev knew what he was doing that night or not. Evidence points to him not knowing. But the end result is the same.
Suicide is not glamorous. Suicide doesn't solve anything. Suicide puts a lifelong burden on people who love you. Kevin is dead. All of his loved ones are scarred. But our lives go on. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not haunted by what he did... But at least I get to live. And more importantly, my sister has found love again....
My sister... My family has experienced a loss and a pain few can understand. And that's why I'm so thankful for her Ben, Ash's incredible strength, our parents, & grandparents. Suicide is just a permanent answer to a temporary problem.
We're slowly finding happy again. But I've learned to hate my phone because everytime I get a text... Everytime I get a call... I think back to the little brother who I miss so much, my first text every morning....
Alexander had nothing on you, Kev... You will forever and always be Kevin The Greatest....
Roll Tide!!! Roll Kevin!!! And most importantly, Roll Ash!!! Your strength inspires me...
Very powerful stuff. Wow. Took bravery to share.
ReplyDeleteOnly a shadow of what you wrote... Thank you so much!
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